you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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