i think i have two assholes
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
