sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
