he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A bitchslap is in order.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
