hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
