why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
