Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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