I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
