DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
