I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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