What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
