So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
