I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
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