my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
