TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
