Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
