the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
