I can tuck mytits in my pants
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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