Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
