my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
