drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
