I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
