I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
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the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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