It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
In America we eat man semen.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
