i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
