Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
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I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?