Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
