nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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