How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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