I'm lost and stupid without you.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
