1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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