last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
40s are totally the cure
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
