i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
