I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
