i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
