No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
