Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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