I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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