i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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