there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
