i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
