apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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