just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
