Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
