I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
