Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
