Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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