the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
