life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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