Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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