i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
