YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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