i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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