How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
it's great music for shaving your balls
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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