The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
