Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize