Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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