I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
