Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
