There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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